And Now For Something Completely Different

This is going to be a slightly different sort of post, for a few reasons. One, I haven’t posted in a while and a good “stream of consciousness” is about all I’m good for tonight. Two, I have a lot on my mind and maybe typing it out where I can read it later will be helpful. Three, I just took half a sleeping pill which means that this ought to be really interesting to read as it gets longer.

I’m 40 years old. I’ll be 41 in January. And for the longest time I told myself that I was “too old” to go back to school and “too old” to do a career change. But then I did the math. I’ve been working part time since I was 14, and full time since I was about 19. So, about 20 years full time. With the way things are going, it’s going to be at least another 20 years full time before I have a prayer of retiring. On the one hand, that thought is so incredibly depressing that I’m glad I don’t have ammunition in the house. On the other hand, it proves that it’s not “too late”, it’s just “halftime”. So, Coach, do we go with the same gameplan that we used so far, and keep getting what we got, or do we go a different way, the less comfortable way, and set off into the unknown?

I’ve been investigating schools to finish my degree. I managed to knock down the “it costs too much” excuse by realizing how I could be smarter with my money, with existing credit transfers, and CLEP testing. Combined with tuition reimbursement and a loan, I should be able to afford it. Timewise it looks like if I start January 2012, I should graduate around September 2015. Around what would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. Ninth. Interesting, since nine is my lucky number. And it would be around the fall equinox.

I don’ t know how long it would take for me to transition into a new role in my company once I have my degree, or if I’d have to go back and also get an RN to qualify. But in four years they are still going to be focusing on Wellness as a way to improve health and decrease health care costs across the population. The opportunity will be there. Will I?

Jillian Michaels posted a quote on Facebook tonight that sort of thumped me between the eyes. “It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”

Once my head wrapped around that little twist, I realized that it actually hit on at least one of the things that’s keeping me from doing it. I don’t want to waste my money, because I don’t see myself as someone who is capable of finishing a degree. As someone who can set that goal and reach it. Dan was the driven one. Dan was the one who could pursue his goal with single-minded Taurus bull-headedness. I’m the one who — SQUIRREL!!!! — gets distracted by something shiny at the side of the road. I go down rabbit trails and end up miles from where I was meaning to be. And I enjoy it. But it’s not who I need to be to finish college.

So can I get better? Can I focus and complete something I start? I am an Aquarius. I am an ENFP who used to be an INFP. None of which are known for their staying ability.

INFP:

God, help me to finish everything I sta..

ENFP:

God, please help me to keep my mind on one…

Look a butterfly!

thing at a time.

That’s all me. I’ve learned not to dive headlong into expensive hobbies. Or at least I thought I had, before ending up with a very nice, relatively expensive, and so far barely ridden bicycle. So I’m more than a little afraid of sinking several thousand dollars into an education that I may get bored with two years down the road… like I’ve done at least three times before.

Maybe I need to have a goal in mind aside from “finish school”. A reward. A seriously kick-ass reward that I normally wouldn’t do. When I get my degree, I get to go to Hawaii for a week or something.

Who do I think I’m not? And why do I think that? Is it real, or is it the result of years of self-doubt and self-induced failure? I know I’m not the person I was when Dan was alive. I joked that he kept me grounded and I helped him fly. Without him, how do I ground? Can I? Do I want to find out? Do I have the desire to?

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Rambling, School, Stream of Consciousness and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to And Now For Something Completely Different

  1. tjfox says:

    This will be like everything else, one step at a time with an awful lot of “I can” and “I’m worth it” thrown in. You are capable of doing this and sticking with it all the way through. Without a doubt. Sometimes it is really about coming to terms with that person that you really are that you don’t really think you are. Look at how long it has taken me to accept the label of artist. I still struggle with it some days, but I do know now that it is a part of who I am.

    It is no different than learning to have a different relationship with food. You have to cultivate that same new, healthy relationship with who you are and why you feel the way you do. Find those triggers that send you off in a different direction and confront them. I know you can do it. It is your turn to feel the same way. {{{hugs}}}

  2. dragonfae says:

    Fox is right. You are so much more than you think you are.

    We all do it … the self-deprecating crap that rolls out of our brains and spills out on the floor … and we can change it too. Would it surprise you to know that I used to be a very shy wallflower? I just wanted to be ignored so I could get through the day without attracting attention. I didn’t think I was good enough for much of anything. My mother had a hand in that, but a lot of it was just me.

    Today? At nearly 50 (in 2013) I’m the lead deployment engineer on a really complicated satellite. WTH? Had someone told me 20 years ago that I’d go off and get my degree (I had zero college when I started in engineering) and end up where I am today I’d have laughed in their face. “No way! I’m not that good. And I get bored with stuff too easily. I don’t have a passion for anything and just like to dabble a bit.” … that would have been my response.

    Sis, you can do anything you want, at any age. You are capable, strong, and determined when your passion is set afire. And I am here if you need to talk, rant, yell, or whatever. If you need anything I can help with, just ask … it’s yours. *hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s